You Are Not Alone

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

~ Allen Saunders

This is a longer and much different post that I intended to write in February.  Life did indeed happen while I was making other plans.  What follows is a compilation of excerpts from my personal journal.  I share them, not to offer any profound insights or solutions, but in the hope that you can identify with some of my thoughts and emotions and find that at least a little comforting.

Mar. 3 - This virus - why am I only attending to it now?  Apparently, it's been ravaging other countries for weeks now.  This is the downside of not watching the news.  How many other Americans are unaware of the problems that may be coming our way?

Mar. 4 - At a recent rally, the President actually said we could wake up one day and it would be gone.  It's one thing for me to be oblivious, but the President?

Mar. 6 - Italy has shut down all of its schools.  And still, we do not seem to be taking this seriously.  This denial and even arrogance is astonishing and bodes serious concerns for us, I fear.

Mar. 9 - Why am I feeling such a sense of trepidation?

Mar. 11 - Italy is in complete lockdown.  I just watched videos of Italians in Siena, Naples and somewhere in Sicily standing on their balconies singing together to try to uplift their spirits.  One of my favorite memories is of a visit with friends to Siena on a bright afternoon, eating gelato among a throng of tourists.  Today both husbands are gone, taken by cancer within the same week and Siena looks like a ghost town. I weep at the breadth of loss.

Mar. 12 - We've canceled our April and May luncheons.  If our government won't give us a clear direction, we have to make decisions to protect our selves and our membership.  I am so proud of this Board.  And speaking of decisions, I am putting boundaries around watching the news.  I've been glued to the TV, seeking information and recommendations from the scientific and medical communities.  But too much information and I leapfrog across depression into despair.  I need to pay as much attention to my mental and emotional health as I do my physical health.

Mar. 13 - Emerging voices are sounding an alarm that we are not prepared for a crisis of this magnitude.  Not enough ICU beds, not enough supplies or personnel should this hit us the way it has hit Italy or Spain.  Not enough people taking this seriously.  The attack on science and our press in recent months has diminished their authority.  I fear this pandemic is going to accentuate the cost of our political polarity and expose the underbelly of our society.  We are certainly going to see an interesting cast of heroes and villains.

Mar. 14 - A FOX commentator asserting this is a hoax, accusing opponents of using the virus to embarrass the President.  This is not helpful.  We need facts and reliable information.  How do I remain responsible and sane amidst comments like this and the name-calling and diatribe on TV and social media venues?!  Boundaries, boundaries!

Mar. 15 - I just created a binder of lists - books to read, friends to contact, projects to complete, topics/ideas to explore, hobbies to take up again, etc.  At least, it helped to restore a minimal sense of control.

Mar. 17 - I woke this morning and set about my usual routine - breakfast, taking a few moments to notice and appreciate the shrub beyond the courtyard wall in its coat of purple spring buds, then curling up in my favorite chair with my journal in hand.  Then, I made the mistake of checking the stats - 4565 cases in the U.S. and 87 dead.  The juxtaposition leaves me at best confused and at worst, anxious.  And if I am anxious, retired here in the safety of southwestern UT, what about all those millions of people out of work, many in congested cities?  How are they coping?

Mar. 18 - Watching views of people ignoring the call for social distancing - or is it that they just don't care?

Mar. 19 - Sixteen months today since John died.  I am taken by a wave of relief that he died when and how he died - his valiant heart simply giving up the struggle, in our home, his hand in mine, my sister here to support me.  How would I have handled watching him struggle for air behind a glass barrier as I have seen images of people in just that circumstance?  What if our doctors have to decide who they will try to save as Italian doctors are facing?

Mar. 21 - Structure, focus, mindfulness, gratitude - I cling to these words.  Far too easy to descend into anxiety or outrage at the ineptitude of our federal government.  Thank heaven for some of the governors who are showing up in this leadership vacuum.

Mar. 23 - Thankfully, I have much to be grateful for - friends checking in, the network of support I'm blessed with, learning to use new technology, spring weather, living in a relatively small and safe community, and always the companionship of my sweet rescue dog, Rufus.

Mar. 26 - The cloudbursts of personal grief seem to have subsided, blown away by the larger sense of loss, existential grief as it were.  So much loss - jobs, security, trust in our institutions, in one another, in the belief that we will be strong enough, resilient enough, smart enough and united enough to emerge from this whole and healthy.  My habit of recording five things to be grateful every night is a sanity saver.

Mar. 27 - I have to remember not to try to make sense out of nonsense - it's impossible and exhausting.

Mar. 28 - Thank heavens for images of individuals helping their older neighbors or the creative uses of technology to stay connected, or the generosity of some of our athletes and celebrities and the amazing courage and compassion of our health care workers.  These images comprise a life preserver in this sea of uncertainty. They restore a sense of hope for me.

That's enough for now.  I hope this does as I had hoped for some of you out there - you are not alone.

Thank You, I Needed That

"Perseverance is failing 19 times and succeeding the 20th."

~ Julie Andrews

This past weekend, I watched the Masters Golf Tournament with John.  I'm not a golfer, not even a sports enthusiast, but I enjoy watching golf.  And I think John enjoys having me watch with him.  That's a good thing, because as our world becomes smaller and smaller, and we are with each other almost 24/7, finding things we enjoy together has become more imperative.  

I'm enjoying learning more about golf, about the nuances of the sport, its rich history and protocols, the various tournaments and courses, and above all, the golfers.  Perhaps, its the legacy of growing up with Arnie and Jack, their ups and downs, their families, their charities, watching them age along with us. Perhaps its the relative absence of scandal and notoriety in the sport.  (I did say relative absence.)  And the presence of families, in some cases generations of families.  This sport speaks to my values as well as my history.

I now root for a couple youngsters - Ricky Fowler and Jason Day - and am particularly fond of the Spanish veteran, Sergio Garcia, who has had the reputation of being the best golfer who has never won a major PGA tournament.  So Sunday found me cheering for him, hoping against hope that he would finally win his first major, and not just any tournament, but the revered Masters, the tournament that has plagued him for the 19, yes, 19 years, in which he has competed.  "I hope he wins.  Please let him win.  Come on Sergio.  You can do it, Sergio."

And he did.  He played his way into the lead, was overtaken, fought back to a tie, and finally won by two strokes in the playoff.  And the crowd roared - Sergio, Sergio, Sergio. 

In the days since his victory, I've considered why I like him, I'd even say that I admire him. Why did I become so invested in his win?  Why did I take such pleasure in his joy and celebration?  (And I did. You would have thought I knew him personally, that he was my kid brother or nephew.)

The obvious answer is that I often cheer for the underdog, but in this case it is more than that, much more.  I admire his perseverance, his tenacity.  Nineteen years and he plays with the same competitive passion as he did the first year I watched him.  I respect the respect he shows for his mentors.  Proteges often forget those who taught, and supported, and encouraged.  He never does.  I applaud his loyalty - his coach is his father, always has been.  Even when Sergio grew discouraged and almost quit the sport, he never abandoned his dad, just worked harder.  And what he apparently worked on was his mental game.  That may be what I admire the most.  That he looked inward, and grew not just as a golfer, but a man.  Perseverance, respect, loyalty, hard work, personal responsibility. 

In this day when the news is filled with dysfunction and greed, venom and vitriol, murder and mayhem, it was such a joy to watch someone achieve his dream because he is talented and diligent. To hear him graciously, sincerely acknowledge his family and mentors.  To see his joy and gratitude.  To see the respect shown between the players and the crowds.  To listen to thoughtful, nuanced commentary.  To celebrate.  To be reminded that this is still possible.

I Digress...

"In any society where the mores are strong, laws are not needed.  In any society where the mores are not strong, laws are not enough."

~ unknown

I have searched for the origin of this quote, one I have referenced for the last couple decades.  The closest I have found is "When mores are sufficient, laws are unnecessary; when mores are insufficient, laws are unenforceable."       ~ Emile Durkheim, 19th Century French sociologist.   

Mores, as defined in my Oxford American Dictionary, are the "essential or characteristic customs and conventions of a community."  And this is why I digress from sharing about our personal challenge, for I see a much larger challenge in the months and years ahead.  The threads of compassionate and generous mores that I thought I could see developing over my lifetime have unraveled in mere months.  The venom and hatred, the legitimizing of White Supremacy horror is something I fear will not and cannot be repaired in the rest of my lifetime.  

When did it become all right to mock a handicapped person, to call any woman, let alone a public figure a b...ch...., a c...t, a sk...k?  I cannot bear to print the entire words. When did it become ok to openly and gleefully threaten revenge?  When did it become ok to even hint that someone should be beaten up for opposing you?  It seems like an eternity ago when Senator McCain had the decency to stop hateful comments about Barack Obama, and those comments pale in comparison to what we heard these past months.  Yet many people were willing to overlook all of this and put the man who said these things in the position to elevate this to a new norm.  I am beyond confused.

I am of the generation that remembers when we sent brothers and fathers and sons and husbands to battle Fascism.  I remember when the swaztika was feared and hated, not painted in our public places.  I remember when we grieved over the assassination of a president.  I remember when families were torn apart over differences of political belief.  I remember the Chicago Seven, and Kent State.  I remember a time when the support of a Russian dictator would have sent chills up one's spine.  I remember a president forced to resign for political shenanigans that seem like child's play compared to what has transpired over this past campaign.

Now, these new demonstrations.  Again, anger and fear and frustration unleashed.  And the very people who were so willing to overlook the constant and inappropriate display of anger these past months, even rationalized it as understandable (or applauded it), are now upset with this reaction. I can only imagine what they would have done had their candidate lost.  

I am not condoning either.  But I am also appalled by the hypocrisy.  People who are now asking me and others to suck it up and respect the office of the president are among those who blatantly disrespected it when this sitting president occupied it.  I am appalled by the hypocrisy.  Or is it merely that hypocrisy is another new norm that we are being asked to accept.

I recognize that people with whom my distress will register are most likely singing the same tune.  Others may dismiss my and others' distress as mere whining and being poor losers. To these folks I would say, I am indeed a poor loser.  But not because a Republican won. What I fear is that what we are losing is the underlying belief that we are and should be a decent and responsible people.  That we see education as the gateway to opportunity, that we value hard work and welcome the "tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to be free."  

In his commentary in the New York Times on Wednesday, David Brooks said it much better than I can..."This campaign has been an education in how societies come apart.  The Trump campaign has been like a flash flood that sweeps away the topsoil and both reveals and widens the chasms, crevices and cracks below."  And the man who led the attack now will sit in the White House.

I can only hope that "this too shall pass."  That the silver lining in these clouds is that a new commitment to a caring and compassionate country is also coalescing. I am sorry that my only contribution will be in writing and in encouraging others who will take, and  already are taking, up the fight to protect the gains we have made in the past.  I have other priorities that, as my sister wisely reminded me, must occupy my mind and heart, my energy and commitments.  Best wishes to all of us.

How Could I Forget?

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

~Franklin Delano Roosevelt

I woke thinking of this quote over a week ago and have been wrestling with what I wanted to say as a result.  I have heard myself saying to myself and others, far too often, that I am afraid.  But afraid of what, of whom, why?  What happened to my commitment to realistic optimism?

So, for days now, I've reflected on this.  Asked a group of women whose values, and intellect, whose thoughtfulness and honesty I respect if they are fear-full.  Deliberated on their responses.  Written pages in my personal journal.  

This is what I've concluded:

• I've been afraid, very afraid of the hate and venom that Donald Trump has unleashed, even more than Trump himself - and that's saying a lot.  
• I've been afraid of the environment of exclusion and pessimism, of blame and relentless attack promoted in Cleveland.
• I've been afraid that people who see the world differently than he does might not stand up for their beliefs, might retreat and retract rather than engage.
• Most of all, I've been afraid of my own fear, aware that I wanted to retreat, saying I would move to Costa Rica if he is elected.  

And, then, yesterday,I remembered.  A friend had posted an appreciation for the speech made in Philadelphia by the father of a fallen Muslim American soldier.  The response from, I am assuming, a Trump supporter, dismissed this father's message by pointing to Bengazi.  My response..."what if both views are valid."  Both/and - a concept I have tried to live by for years.  How could I forget?  Is this what fear does - block out what we know is better for us?
Make us deaf and blind to anything other than what we believe?  

What if, instead of "either/or", we could consider "both/and."  There is hate and venom out there, and there is compassion and consideration. There are those who will retreat and those who will engage.  There are those who will seek exclusion and pessimism and those who choose inclusion and optimism.  There are significant problems in this country and there has been significant progress over the past eight years.  One does not negate the other.

Isn't realistic optimism an example of both/and thinking?  Surely I can be both aware of and acknowledge  the negative and work to promote what's positive.   And with that, the fear has morphed into concern and commitment.  A relief for my husband, I'm sure.  And much healthier for me.  

Staying Sane in an Insane World

"We have met the enemy and he is us."

~ Pogo

Although Pogo uttered these words in l970 as a commentary on environmental concerns, almost 20 years ago, I woke with these words tumbling in my head during the early hours after news of the Dallas killings.  For, the issue of terrorism aside (not to discount it, but to stop focusing on it for awhile) we seem to be doing an effective job of attacking ourselves from within.  And from my vantage point, as an aging moderate committed to developing and applying critical thinking skills to my own thinking and to what I hear and see coming from others, I am more concerned about what we are doing to each other than what some terrorist might do to me.

Today, I ask that you consider what I am observing and if you do, too. let me know. Let me know how else and what else you think.  Let's start an on-line conversation that leads to something better in our communities  Invite others to discuss these issues, not just lament or defend, but discuss.  We need to talk, to think together.  Or we will surely end up in the direction we are headed.

This is some of what I see, too often, contributing to the distrust, anger, fear, polarity and ultimately to the growing proclivity for violence:

• Either/or - in its many permutations, right/wrong, good/bad; all/nothing; black/white. No room for a third alternative nor even the possibility that both views could contain valid points,
• Gross generalizations - even if challenging it when aimed at oneself, an unwillingness to challenge it in one's own thinking.  Consider pro-police representatives who, rightly, say most police are to be respected and the few "bad apples" don't represent the majority who then say Black Lives Matter is a racist group because of the behavior of a few.  Or vice versa.  All (fill in the blank) are racist, stupid, naive, the enemy., etc., etc.
• Name-calling and labeling to a degree I can't recall since a youngster on the playground.  Or a teacher of elementary students.  Outrageous accusations, belittling, demeaning, crude labels.  The resurgence of pejorative terms in public discourse we thought we had eradicated.  When did their use become a badge of honesty? 
• Emotions used to justify behavior, rather than even considering the underlying thinking that fosters the emotions.
• A demand for rights while disregarding the rights of others. 
• A defense of one amendment to the exclusion of others.
• Belief trumping reason.  Assumptions unchecked by data.  
• The declaration of faith, better yet, the "right" faith as a test for decency or leadership, rather than character or experience.  As though no one of faith could be a liar nor anyone who doesn't proclaim a faith could be truthful.
• The constant search for one person to blame rather than consider shared responsibility.  Data and facts dismissed as irrelevant or the domain of elitist intellectuals.
• The demand for immediate, simple solutions to complex problems.
• A media that provides a platform for the above and too rarely challenges it.  
• News as entertainment.  If it weren't for local news, PBS and NPR, and an occasional Sunday or holiday program, we would rarely see positive stories, stories of true heroism and compassion on the airways.
• The explosion of social media that allows for outrageous, even fallacious things to be said and spread with full anonymity.  At least we knew who our bullies were.  And while stories can be checked for authenticity, I have to wonder what % of people who pass something on have checked it first.
• What feels at times as the marginalization of moderate voices, while demanding that moderate Muslim voices come forward.  When moderate voices do step up, what degree of media coverage do they receive?  What % of time did Gov. Kasich receive I wonder.
• Compromise too often perceived as losing; the critical thinking and communication skills required to bridge gaps not only not valued, but distrusted, demeaned and dismissed.  
• The alarming proliferation of guns.  Those of us who remember the 60's and the wrenching apart of families, communities and the nation can only wonder how much worse that would have been were there access to the weaponry on our streets today.
• A growing sense that we are like the frog, who in a pot of water that gradually gets hotter and hotter, remains until he is boiled, unaware that he can and should get out before it's too late.

I do know this is not true of everyone.  I talk to folks who are aware of these issues, some who try to present a question or distinction to challenge any of the above whenever and wherever they can in the hopes of at least interrupting  the escalation.  I see people across the spectrum of opinion who are trying to interject a voice of reason, to try to calm the alarming volatility.  I know whites are standing beside blacks in peaceful demonstration and blacks are shielding police.  It is what keeps me from hiding in my bedroom with a blanket over my head. 

It is also what has given me pause to consider what else I can do to speak out for a more civil discourse and a more collaborative effort to solve problems.  This is what I am doing and what I am committed to do.

• I challenge overgeneralizations when I hear them.
• I ask for evidence when I hear or receive information that feels questionable or especially incendiary. 
• I offer an alternative point of view when asked for an either/or opinion - and one of my favorite responses, is "it depends."
• I try to listen to another point of view thoroughly and acknowledge that I've heard it, before offering my own.  Admittedly, this is the hardest thing for me when I deeply disagree and especially, when I suspect or even have evidence that the other person will not grant me the same consideration.
• I am commenting more frequently on Facebook, something I thought I would never do.
• I am writing to my Congressional representatives to remind them that they are (or most often are not) representing my views and values.
• I am going to write to certain channels and moderators to support those who are calling out irresponsible, disrespectful behavior of interviewees and panel members and to let those who do not know why I will not watch them.  Turning off the TV may help my personal morale, but it doesn't let anyone else know why.  That could help my morale even more!
• I volunteer time and energy to two local non-profits that are making a difference in my community.
• I will be on the campus of our local university this fall to help register new voters.
• Above all, I listen to myself and examine my thinking.  I try to remain alert to my biases and prejudices and defenses.  And I apologize when I have forgotten.

And finally, I thank you for whatever you are doing to insert some sanity into this insane state of affairs, and to encourage those of you who feel it wouldn't make a difference anyway to reconsider.  I particularly encourage those of us who are retired, who have more time and memories of how dangerous this rage and irresponsibility can be to step up and let our voices be heard.