It Is What It Is!

"A crisis is a terrible thing to waste."
~ Paul Romer

We are facing a health crisis as great, if not greater, than any we have faced before.  We do not yet know the full extent of this crisis other than what we have just learned from the preliminary results of John's bone marrow biopsy.  He has been diagnosed with a rare blood cancer that will require further information as to prognosis and treatment.  We do not have a clue as to what good could come from this.  But we do trust that something will.

It is out of our desire to create something good from this crisis for ourselves and for others that John agrees we should share our journey here.  Not that we intend to share intimate details, or rage against the universe, or wring our hands in despair. For it is what it is. But this is a blog about aging, and medical crisis and how one deals with it is one of the most challenging aspects of aging I observe. And am now experiencing.

So, in the weeks and months ahead I will be sharing the lessons we are learning, hoping that they will be of help and support to others who are faced with a similar challenge. And hoping you will share with us also - questions, comments, the lessons you've learned.  Let's learn together.

A Reason to Get Up in the Morning

purpose (n):  the reason for which someone exists
The New Oxford American Dictionary

Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life would most likely approve of this definition. As might the throng of readers who have purchased his book in the ten years since it was first published, making it the second more translated book in the world, second only to the Bible.

This definition and the Rev. Warren's thesis have bothered me since I first encountered them.  The idea that each of us has a single life purpose and that only if we discover it and live to achieve it, will we be fulfilled, flies in the face of my experience.

At first, I thought my reaction was simply because my generation rarely used that word to describe why they existed, or even why they made the decisions they made.  Commitment -yes; responsibility - yes; achievement - yes.  Sometimes, merely survival.  Or the Catholic catechism reason for our existence: "to know, love and serve God in this world and to be happy with Him in the next."   The closest I came to the concept of life purpose was when the nuns tried to convince me that I had a "calling" to become a nun.  (Until my constant questioning convinced them that I would have trouble with the vow of obedience!  Somehow the calling ceased to exist.)

I  recognize that there have been individuals throughout history who have lived lives of a singular purpose.  Think Martin Luther King, Jr., Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandela, various famous artists. But personally, I have known wonderful people who would have told you they didn't act from any all-encompassing purpose.  I have known happy and satisfied people who would look at you askance were you to ask them to define the purpose of their lives. Plus, I consider myself to be a content adult, only mildly neurotic, who has done some worthy things in and with my life, and I have never been able to declare a life purpose.

Eventually, I settled on merely disagreeing, with little more than an occasional twinge when I came upon another book purporting to "help you discover your life purpose."   

Then, a few months ago, I began to read books and articles about successful aging.  And would you know it, much of the research pointed to having a purpose as an essential ingredient in aging well.  However, the distinction was having a purpose, not Purpose with a capital P.   Simply put, a reason to get up in the morning.  Purpose as meaning.  Purpose as direction.  Purpose as commitment.  Now, this fits with my experience.  

In my late teens, I would have said that what drove my choices was wanting to be the first woman in my family to go to college.  Later it was to be a good wife and a good teacher...good at my jobs.  Still later it was to survive the aftermath of divorce .  With each new change, a different purpose or commitment, a new direction. Sometimes just to weather the transition between what was and what could be. The constant, not a Life Purpose but the life changes that call for different purposes.

I think finding a new reason to get up in the morning may be one of the most challenging aspects of retirement and the ensuing years, especially if your previous reason has been success in your career or acquiring things or status.  Some folks approach this stage of their lives  already knowing what that reason will be - travel, the arts, an interest, hobby or commitment to which they can now devote all their time, their role as grandparent or community elder,  etc.  

Others, and I include myself, need to take some time to explore what might engage their skills and expertise, what new directions beckon to them, perhaps to regroup and soul search awhile.  To remain open to possibilities they may have dismissed when younger or possibilities they never imagined to exist.  

Either way, purpose with a small p.  Purpose as reason to get up in the morning.  Purpose as an ingredient in the recipe for aging well.  

Better Late than Never

"...part of the wonder of aging today is that we get the time to discover our second chances."

~ Michael Gurian
The Wonder of Aging

I was so relieved to come across this line in the Wonder of Aging, the best book I've read to date on the subject . The concept of discovering a second chance rather than declaring a  lofty "purpose" ( something I had been struggling with) seemed more reasonable and more attainable.  Some folks seem to arrive at retirement with a clear sense of how they will spend this new stage of their lives.  Whether it be to volunteer, or pursue a hobby or new venture, or enjoy travel and special interests with loved ones, they easily and eagerly set off on a new direction.  Not I.

I knew that I didn't want to age as my parents had, in poor health, dissatisfied with life, their world becoming narrower and narrower with every passing month.  But when retirement arrived, I found that I hadn't developed a clear idea of how I did want to age.

So, I set off on a rather convoluted journey of experimentation.  I tried activities I thought I might be interested in, perhaps even thought I should be interested in, or activities others recommended or seemed to enjoy..  I joined a couple book clubs. I volunteered as a docent for 4th and 5th graders visiting the local Art Museum.  I became active in a couple non-profit organizations, surprising myself as I have never been a joiner.  I attended classes, tried my hand at drawing, even knitting. 

Along the way, I noted in my journals whether I did enjoy the activity, whether I felt I added something by my involvement, whether it was satisfying, engaging, whether I had enough skill or the desire and commitment to acquire the skill if I didn't.  Whether I looked forward to it or not.

Along the way, I discovered - that I want to read so many things and to learn about so many topics that I can't do justice to more than one book club; that I no longer have the patience required to deal with the natural exuberance of 4th and 5th graders; that I am not the social animal I thought I was; that I value time alone to read and draw and enjoy my home and my relationships with a few close friends and family.  That I prefer small intimate groups where I feel I still can make a difference.  That there are specific skills I want to develop before I die, like speaking Italian, drawing, using the computer more effectively, and surprisingly, after all these years, cooking.  

Ultimately, with Gurian's inspiration, I arrived at this conclusion-  that this is my second chance - to pursue every day something that intrigues me, something that inspires me, something that brings me personal satisfaction, something that piques my curiosity.  Not because I think I should or because someone else wants me to, but simply because I want to.  

I realize I am blessed...I  have a loving and supportive husband who needs and wants as much personal time and space as I do, siblings and friends whose company enriches the simplest conversation, adequate funds, a nice home in a safe community, a sound mind in a sound body.  I am always grateful.  But clarifying my second chance, discovering it over time has enveloped it all in a blanket of contentment I didn't realize I was searching for.  I know how I want to age.