If you just allow your body and mind to rest, the healing will come by itself."
~ Thich Nhat Hanh
It has been over a year since I've posted. An interesting year for sure, but not one in which I have been motivated to write here. Obviously. Not that I haven't been writing, but I can see now that I didn't know what to share as from day to day and on some days, hour to hour, my thoughts and moods kept shifting.
A roller coaster of a year. I now can see that it's been a year of healing - bouts of journal writing and rereading old journals, half-hearted memoir attempts, and long talks with my sister. Some days I simply chose to be quiet and lazy, to nap or take a leisurely walk with Rufus, or binge-watch a foreign mystery series.
Then, one day, I recognized that I had been a caretaker for over 20 years - for aging parents and John through various health challenges and decline. I was exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. The move from Utah to New York and the pandemic were the last straws, and I needed to regroup and recoup. A new normal had to evolve. I couldn't force it. I didn't have the energy, even had I wanted to.
Another winter has come and gone. But it is green and lush again. I can see young parents pushing their strollers and older folks walking their dogs from my patio window. I've had my second booster, old friends have visited, and new friendships are developing. I know how to get to places without needing my navigation, and my apartment feels like home.
I wish I could say this has been easy - maybe write a best seller on the 10 (well, maybe more) steps I've taken to emerge again, ready to engage. There have been moments when it was tough, when I wondered if I had made the wrong decision in coming here, when I was suddenly and inexplicably overcome with grief. Rufus fell ill; I had a bout of vestibular neuritis (a form of vertigo). Winter seemed to go on forever. Normally resilient and optimistic, I struggled to manage my morale.
I can, however, identify the turning point. I came upon this quote: "At any given moment, you have the power to say this is not how the story is going to end." ~ Christine Mason Miller. I used the quote as a springboard for my morning journal writing, and what emerged was what had been missing since John died - a sense of purpose big enough to
